Friday, November 14, 2014
• Our Phones – Wireless
• Cooking – Fireless
• Cars – Keyless
• Food – Fatless
• Tires –Tubeless
• Dress – Sleeveless
• Youth – Jobless
• Leaders – Shameless
• Relationships – Meaningless
• Attitudes – Careless
• Babies – Fatherless
• Feelings – Heartless
• Education – Valueless
• Children – Mannerless
• Country – Godless
We are SPEECHLESS,
Congress is CLUELESS,
And our President is WORTHLESS !
I'm scared - sh**less
Posted by Willy at 2:47 PM
Friday, November 07, 2014
Saturday, November 01, 2014
Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall.
As yet, the store's merchandise wasn't in -- only a few shelves and display racks set up.
One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two are left.
Seniors -- don't mess with them. They didn't get old by being stupid!
Posted by Willy at 1:07 PM
Sunday, October 26, 2014
1. My mother taught me to APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE . "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning in here.”
2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My father taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC . "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My father taught me IRONY. “Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS . "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. “Just look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. “If I told you once, I've told you a million times; don't exaggerate!"
13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION . "Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY. “There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. “You're going to get it from your father when he gets home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you’re cold?"
20. My father taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT . "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand.
25. My father taught me about JUSTICE . “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
26. My mother taught me about GARDENING. “Your ears are so dirty you could grow a corn patch in there
This is for the over 60 crowd because the younger ones wouldn’t believe we truly were told these "EXACT" words by our parents
Posted by Willy at 7:26 PM
Friday, October 17, 2014
Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.
"Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?" I asked.
Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.
She was "only thinking of me", she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the guys.
I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her.
I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.
She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 78 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Mom, where are your glasses?! This is a Membership
to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"Oh man, I'm in trouble again," I said, "I really don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!"
The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.
Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but
sometimes it can be fun.
Posted by Willy at 1:37 PM
Saturday, August 16, 2014
His request approved, the
photographer quickly used his mobile phone to
call the Townsville airport to charter a flight.
He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.
He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut,
and shouted, 'Let's go'.
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane
into the wind and took off.
Once in the air, the photographer instructed
the pilot, 'Fly over Mount Stuart and make
low passes so I can take pictures
of the fires on the hillsides.'
'Why?' asked the pilot.
'Because I'm a photographer for the Bulletin'
he responded,' and I need to get
some close up shots.'
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment,
finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me,
is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'
Posted by Willy at 7:34 AM